And Then There Were Two: Who Do I Love Most?                                                          

Who Do I Love Most?

As I sit here on a weekend break with my husband, kissing like teenagers (not literally as I type!), enjoying each other's company and remembering why we had our children in the first place, I'm reminded of an article I read just after having our first child.

You see, I'm also missing our children. Really missing them. Totally enjoying the hot tub, not watching cBeebies and looking forward to the full night's sleep. But missing them.

And I remember reading an article a few months after the birth of our first child, written by a woman who was wondering whether she was suffering with postnatal depression. And one of the motivations for her wondering this, was that she felt she loved her husband more than her newborn baby.

And so I sit here, sipping Cava and snacking on olives, child free and tired at 6pm, wondering......

Who do I love more?

My husband came first. Without Mr H there would be no children. The love I feel for him was the catalyst for having children. After three weeks of seeing him, I told one of my best friends; “I'm going to marry him.”

But it took less than three seconds to know I'd die for my children.

Does this mean I love them more? Because I felt love more quickly for them? Because I carried them inside me? Because they are literally a part of me?

Well, no.

Does it mean that I should love my husband more because he 'got there first'? Because I loved him more than I'd ever loved anyone before?

Well, no.

Because what I've realised is that it's perfectly natural and normal to love in different ways.

My relationship with my husband is based on mutual love, understanding, lust (sorry Mum!) and the fact that we are individual souls, consciously entering into this union. We didn't choose to fall in love but we did choose to maintain independence, interests and friendships exclusive of our relationship.

But with my children? They are totally dependent on me. They rely on me entirely and, without me, they would fail to thrive. I have to provide for them; physically and emotionally. When I gave birth to them it became my job to give them everything they need.

And it is the best job in the world. It is frustrating, tiring and challenging. But rewarding and wonderful all at the some time.

My relationship with my children is one of responsibility (mine), dependency (theirs) and love (both).

My relationship with my husband is one of co-responsibility (both), co-dependency ( both) and love (both).

Who do I love more?

No contest.

It's a different kind of love. But its always from the bottom of my heart, with every fibre of my being.

Husband, baby one, baby two; I love you all equally, in totally differently wonderful ways.

Because you are all equal.

All different.

All wonderful.

Pink Pear Bear

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