And Then There Were Two: The Parenting Cocktail Menu                                                          

The Parenting Cocktail Menu

Welcome to the Parenting Cocktail Bar!

We close at 8pm so you can get home and go to bed early.

But don't worry, we open early too because we know you might want a cocktail at midday.

And here's what you can choose from:


What's in it?: Tequila, orange juice and grenadine infused with longing memories of sleeping ten hours a night

Serve with: shots of espresso - you're gonna need the caffeine

When to enjoy: every evening in anticipation of being woken up repeatedly in the middle of the night.

What's in it?: Prosecco with a dash of patience

Serve with: deep breaths

When to enjoy: whenever your child/ren are saying your name repeatedly and you need to take a moment ("Just give me a sec") to put the kettle on/sit alone in peace on the stairs/cry into the fridge

What's in it?: Vodka, cranberry juice, orange juice. Forgo the peach schnapps - you've not got the energy or the time to get too fruity (and the kids could walk in at any moment)

Serve with: Your significant other

When to enjoy: once a week. If you're lucky

What's in it?: Vodka, Cointreau, lime juice and cranberry juice muddled with utter gratitude at whatever turn of events has allowed you this time to yourself

Serve with: a magazine

When to enjoy: whenever you have a chance to read said magazine. So probably never.

What's in it?: White wine and tonic/soda water or lemonade garnished with exasperated sighs

Serve with: a pint glass

When to enjoy: (un)official guidelines suggest to enjoy this whenever your kids are whining 'to take the edge off' but as this would result in some parents drinking from 7am, we suggest waiting for post midday whines

Of course, there are days when you may need to drink all of the above.

Except the Cosmopolitan.

Unless you're super lucky

NB: This is all, of course, very tongue in cheek - please drink responsibly (and have very fruity sex ;))