Being pregnant seems to be an open invitation to friends, family, colleagues and complete strangers to give you advice and tell you anecdotes. I had all of these.
They're mostly ridiculous.
1. "Catch up on your sleep now - you'll need it when the baby comes." Yep. Obviously, after three months of no effing sleep, I wasnt actually tired because I'd slept a lot whilst I was seven months pregnant.
2. "Not long now". Only ever say this to a woman whose due date you know. Not to a woman* at a kids birthday party when she's only 31 weeks pregnant. Because when she responds with an over-the-top smile, saying "no a little while yet. 9 weeks actually," she's actually trying to hide the fact that she wants to cry and/or smack you in the face.
3. "Wow you're massive. Are you sure you're not having twins?" This is the pregnancy equivalent of saying to someone: "Wow you're massive. Are you sure you've not got an under-active thyroid?" A friend of mine got this a lot. She too felt the crying/smacking-in-the-face thing. She had one average sized baby. Which leads me onto....
4. "Whoa you're gonna have a ten pounder!" Please never say this to a pregnant woman, especially one who has given birth before. The thought of birthing a ten pound human is utterly terrifying.
5. "Was it planned?" Er, rude! You might think it. But never, ever say it.
6. "Are you prepared?" Maybe people mean this on a practical level. I mean, they must do. In every other way you cannot possibly be prepared. Physically, emotionally and mentally just know that YOU ARE NOT PREPARED. Even if it's not your first baby.
7. "At least you can eat whatever you want". Yep. Except Brie, raw seafood, rare meat, blue cheese, pate, runny eggs and anything alcoholic.
8. "You'll forget about the pain of labour as soon as you hold your baby." LIES. Does it make it all worth it? My goodness yes. Do you forget about it, even with the daily reminder of continual bleeding from your lady parts? Erm, no.
*Yes, that would be me.
Me. The woman who was massive. But still had one average sized baby. Who planned to have the baby (and then another). Who hated that she couldn't eat Brie. Who fully remembers labour. Who is always tired.